Wednesday, January 16, 2013

A Time of Reflection, Pt 2

So 20 years ago, I was a High School senior dreaming of what I would be when I grew up and preparing to start tackling those dreams.

I pointed out in the previous post that, even though I would have told you that I was a Christian, I was not walking with the Lord at all. Mistake #1.

Fast forward 10 years. I am married {to an unbeliever - mistake #2}. After several months of trying, we are finally pregnant! We called everyone we knew to tell them the good news. We even came to an agreement on a name for the baby {if it were the boy we were hoping for}.

I had an early ultrasound since it was my first pregnancy. There we found out that we were not in fact pregnant. My body just thought that it was. The technical term is a blighted ovum, which means something went wrong during the fertilization and there was not a baby in the growing fetal sac.

Devastated. My entire world came crashing down. My foundation was built on shifting sand and it just imploded.

It hurt so badly and deeply to even think about, so I began to numb the pain. I escaped reality. I looked for anything or anyone that made life fun and happy, even if it was temporary. My husband was not being supportive or loving {I mean who could love the tornado I had turned into anyway}, so I looked for love in other places.

At the time, one of my best friends was also going through a very difficult emotional situation. We often referred to ourselves as train wrecks. We were out of control friends searching for anything to make us happy. I was a horrible influence on her and she was a horrible influence on me.

But we would have both told you that we were Christians.

10 years ago...

I lost the baby I longed for.

I ruined the marriage I thought would last forever.

I pushed everyone away and hurt anyone who dared get in my way of having fun.

I was on my way to breaking all 10 commandments.

I ran as far away from God as I possibly could.

God was going to show me that it took more than walking an aisle or being dunked in water to be a follower of Christ. I had to lose everything so that I could clearly see the glory and grace of God.

Whoever says “I know him”
but does not keep his commandments is a liar,
and the truth is not in him {1 John 2:4}
Whoever says he is in the light
and hates his brother
is still in darkness. {1 John 2:9}
Do not love the world or the things in the world.
If anyone loves the world,
the love of the Father is not in him. {1 John 2:15}
Ashamed and broken. Hurt and alone. I had broken so many hearts and I cannot even imagine how God was feeling at this point, looking down on the mess I had made of my life. It took a while to get back on the right path to God, but at least I was starting to search again. At least it was becoming very, very obvious that I needed to be back in church.
Hebrews 12 tells us, "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 
I was not being punished for my sin - Jesus took care of all that on the cross. I was being disciplined in order that I might seek the Lord. I was being disciplined to save my life.

I am ashamed of my sin, but I am thankful for the Lord's forgiveness and mercy. My life has changed so much in the last 10 years that it is hard to remember who I used to be. Of course, there are ramifications to the sin I committed {mostly emotional scars and temptations for sin} that I will carry for my entire life - but I have found love, forgiveness, grace, mercy and eternal hope in Jesus.

Have you experienced forgiveness through Jesus? Do you know for sure that you will go to heaven when you die? If not, I highly suggest you learn more about Jesus and how to become a genuine Christian.

Do you ever take time to look at all you have been saved from and the person you used to be {the "old man"}? I think remembering who I was makes the salvation I find in Jesus even more sweet.



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